I have three days to decide.
I’ve realized that some things are not worth it and that includes this situation. I suppose I’m angry now for a different reason. I’m angry at myself, mostly, for allowing such a small thing affect me so greatly. I’m angry that I have to purposefully turn my head or walk separately to stay calm. That I am embarrassed and hurt by how insignificant I feel compared to others. That the decisions I’ve made recently were affected by how worthless I’ve felt this year. Of course I’m tired of constantly stressing about this issue, and of course I want to stop, but I no longer have that willpower. I feel helpless, it’s beyond my control. I can’t change how people feel and I can’t change how others perceive me… But I wish it wasn’t so obvious that I’m in the way. Mostly, I’m disappointed in myself. How could I let this happen? And why did I wait for a change? I think… I should never have waited. I shouldn’t have waited to see how things would turn out a year later. I should have changed - I should have changed everything: my thoughts, my actions, my words, my emotions, me. I should have changed myself. And I shouldn’t have made friends this year. That’s the bitter truth. Making friends and wanting friends really fucked me up in the end.
I’m content but something’s missing.
I wonder if it’s better to feel this way now or to have felt this way before I decided to move on.
It’s all the same pain to me… but maybe I’m stronger now? Or more childish than before.
